It’s Still My Only Job

May 16, 2013

Even before Adrian actually moved out, I warned my husband that when Adrian moved I’d need a few months. I knew it was going to be such a huge shift for me that I’d need time to figure out what this new life was going to look like.

This turned out to be true for my other children as well. Zee decided to give public school a try. A couple of months later we decided that attending public high school would be the best thing for Bee.

In less than a year’s time I went from being Adrian’s main care provider, a high school teacher and elementary school teacher to… well, homeschooling one high school student who works well independently.

Yah, I’m still shaking my head at that. It’s so easy to say and yet the reality of it is just too big for words. I don’t feel like I can explain all the changes, both what’s visible and what’s not.

Adrian’s been happily living at the residence for a year now. I spent these last few months alternating between guilt and self-reprieve. On the one hand, I clearly have fewer responsibilities than before. It feels like I should be taking on more. I feel the pressure to get a job and contribute financially… just because I can.

But then I also realize that what I was doing before wasn’t necessarily good or healthy for me or my family. I don’t want to jump into anything that’s going to leave me gasping for air like before.

And yes, though I hate to admit it, a small part of me feels like I’ve earned a bit of a break. For so many years folks told me they didn’t know how I did it. I look back now and I wonder how I managed it all. I really don’t know.

All the while I’m impatient to get to the new ‘normal’.

I suppose I’m slowly getting there. I’ve started routines to take care of myself. Exercise most mornings, getting enough sleep, getting my hair cut on a regular schedule, spending more time preparing healthy dinners, etc.

I’ve found time to do some programming, take a training class to help other parents at IEP meetings, do some household repairs, reorganize and just keep up with the housework better than I had before.

I’m enjoying the flexibility this new schedule gives me to still be an active advocate for Adrian, to drive out and see him often, to spend time with my other kids and my husband, to help my sister out by taking care of my nephew from time to time, etc.

For quite a while now I’ve been contemplating this blog. Can I still write here even though everything is so different? I guess I’ve decided the answer is yes. Cause even though it doesn’t look anything like what it did before, it’s still my only job. 🙂

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